Dukes Found Alive

Burnt Oak resident Shirley Dukes was found alive, but very cold, after getting lost in Polk State Forrest for two nights.

“To survive that long in freezing temperatures without food, water, rocket powered roller skates, or even a suitable jacket, is a miracle.” Said search party captain Ranger Roscoe Charleston.

Dukes is an avid hiker, and part time volunteer at the Burnt Oak Outdoor Center, where she teaches rocket power roller skates safety.

“We’re not sure why any one, especially someone with as much rocket powered roller skates experience as her, would go on a hike this time of year without rocket powered roller skates,” said Ranger Charleston.

Financial Guru to Speak at BOCC

With hard economic times across the country many are looking for any way to cut back on costs. Here to help is financial guru Rich Robertson, author of the new book ‘Starve Yourself Rich.’

He will be speaking at the Burnt Oak Community Center Thursday night at 7:30.

Robertson told us via email:

“Homeless people make no, to just a couple of dollars a day, yet they have clothes, shopping carts, and in some cases very skinny dogs. How do they do this? By cutting food completely out their budget. Think of mow much money a person drawing any kind of income could save if they simply did not buy food.”

The talk is $35 per person, and no meal will be provided.

Crying babies everywhere!

Maybe it's just THIS Burnt Oak reporter, but does or does it not seem like there are effing hundreds of stroller babies all over Burnt Oak and that all of them are crying? 2 things. 1 that is gross your baby should cry INSIDE, moms and dads. No one likes to look at tears. 2 Does anyone else think this might have something to do with an impending NATURAL DISASTER a la 2012 or Deep Impact? Like how whenever crazy stuff is about to go down all the cats in some Japanese village start meowing and peeing on everything right before an earthquake, or how llamas in the Andes lick themselves before an avalanche?

Mark my words. These gross babies are trying to communicate somehow.

Polanski Film Festival to Proceed

Despite calls for Remme Theatre to stop its Roman Polanski film festival, organizers say they will continue forward.

Burt Heavington, president of the Burnt Oak Polanski Organization told us “Polanski has produced some of the finest films in cinematic history, besides it’s something we wanna do, and we’re not going to stop."

The festival will open with Bouce, which although isn't a Poloanski film, is one of Heavington's favorites.

BURNT OAK FALL FESTIVAL CANCELED

The Burnt Oak Fall Festival has been canceled after a gruesome leaf accident.

Power Outage Resolved

A power outage that left many Burnt Oak residents in the dark Tuesday morning was caused by a local coven of witches.

According to City Light officials the witches were trying to cast a spell when one of their wands backed up causing a severe amount of energy into the ground, which blew out a near by transformer.

A spokesperson for the coven told us via email, “I myself have all the other, And the very ports they blow, All the quarters that they know I' the shipman's card. I will drain him dry as hay.”

Saturday Night BOCACE movie

Tomorrow's Burnt Oak Activity Commission Events Movie will be Troll 2, a fascinating "Spaghetti Horror" movie written and directed by the Italian genius Claudio Fragrasso (Cop Game, Rats- Notti di terrore).





The film is rated R for Really good.

First Halloween Costume Spotted

Just saw a little girl wearing a turtle costume on Farkas.

A) Halloween is still over a week away.

B) Just the worst. I get it: your family is poor so you tried to make a costume yourself. But at least put some effortinto it.

C)Where were your parents?

D) How low is your self esteem that you don't want to go as a princess but rather a reptile that crawls out of the ocean to lay eggs on a beach.

Protect Yourself From Raccoons

With the days getting shorter human and raccoon encounters are getting more and more common. The Burnt Oak Community Center in Association with Boyes Veterinarian Clinic and Peelox Global Chemicals is putting on a raccoon safety course so you don’t end up dead like Aaron Miller.*

Topics covered include:

The dos and don’ts of sneaking up on a raccoon.
Raccoon pressure points.
Foreign languages that scare away raccoons the best.
Getting your cat’s ear back.
Using the tail for distance.
Funny faces that don’t scare away raccoons.

The five hour course starts at 9pm in room 419 of the BOCC.

*You may remember Aaron Miller wasn’t killed by a raccoon, but was crushed to death by a falling block of cement in 1997.

Pepsi Official Soda Of Burnt Oak

The neighborhood council has just chosen Pepsi as the official soft drink of Burnt Oak. In celebration Burnt Oak faucets will be running pure Pepsi for the next 72 hours.

I'm going to pour free Pepsi into everything fill-upable in the house, from the bathtub to my wife's stupid mouth.